You guys now have 100 more reasons to come visit! Seriously, look at these titles. (Purchased today at HMV, scanned in a gigglefit of never-before-seen anticipation.)

I expect to see you in the lobby shortly.

L, P.

Land of the fr…ee?

Sorry. Can’t come up with anything pithy or cutting right now. Too amazed.

Aaarghh!

I just read this and I must say it again, with feeling: aaarghh!

While I was on-call this last shift, my brother and I ended up hanging out in his room most nights watching movies on his laptop and eating popcorn and sort of jiving the way we used to. One night we got reminiscing about dead romances and I eventually – I forget what spurred this – said something like, “Yeah, I suppose I probably do end up with a douchebag in the end. I mean, speaking empirically. A douchebag is probably the best I can do.”

Him: “What about birds of paradise?”
Me: “What about them? You haven’t been eating mescaline again, have you, because that was a bit of a segue there.”
Him: “No, remember that Life of Birds documentary thing that we saw a while back, and it was like, the birds with the super long tails.”
Me: “OHHH BIRDS OF PARADISE. Yes, context, thank you. So what?”
Him: “So the males with the super long tails are the anti-douchebags, am I right? And they get to hump whoever. Both the douchebaggy and non-douchebaggy lady birds of paradise. So there goes your theory. Because if a lady bird of paradise was a douchebag, she’d never make it with the super long tailed ones.”
Me: “David Attenborough just rolled over in his grave.”
Him: “Oh, is he dead?”
Me: “I don’t know. I think you just killed him.”

And then we started talking about nachos or something, but what I think Al meant was that in nature, everybody gets to mate with the King of the Anti-Douchebags, so doesn’t it work that way with humans? But no it doesn’t, the awesome guys generally get the awesome ladies, the so-so guys get the so-so ladies, and man-turds end up with lady-turds. It’s totally ingrained in my psyche, I mean, if the human equivalent of the longest-tailed bird ever strolled up to me and asked me to dinner, I’m sure I’d run off screaming about serial killers. (Which has never happened, which continues to strengthen my Douchebag Compatibility theory.) And so this article, I totally called it weeks before they reported it, and now I have been proven right! UP SCIENCE.)

I don’t think it’s strictly because I’m drunk that I’m pissing myself laughing at this show. Also ees big ‘eff you’ to everyone who saw this and didn’t pass me the link, because it is exactly my type of humour.

“Whoa, what happened to this place? Was it a hot babe party, or just beers with the boys?”
“Err… mostly boys.”

Note: if I discover, tomorrow morning, that this was a totally inappropriate ’sloshed’ post, it’ll be coming back down. Watch while you can, yes?