Yes yes, I’ll get on the template thing as soon as I remember. In the meantime, here’s a thought: bull sharks.

Bull sharks are the greatest of all sharks. First of all, they look terribly brainless and cruel – like some sort of developmentally-delayed inbred reprobate castrated and jailed in 1930’s Mississippi. Check out the photo:

It has a special gland that allows it to store salt for moderate periods of time, thereby making it one of a very very few fish that can survive in both salt and fresh water. It is capable of swimming up estuaries and attacking people up to 2500 miles inland. How do you like them apples? You’re innocently fishing in your little swimming hole in Scabby Butte, Georgia, and are eaten by an 11-foot shark.

They are also one of the most aggressive sharks studied. Whereas a great white shark will probably avoid a foreign object like a diver, a bull shark will come in to investigate… with its teeth. They are comfortable in murky water, such as rivers, and appear to show no size discrimination when it comes to prey. It is thought that most shark attacks attributed to great whites, tigers, blue, nurse, and mako sharks, are actually bull sharks.

Undoubtedly the worst thing about them is that they are found in Lake Nicaragua. They were initially thought to be a separate species of some large tropical fish, but after it was confirmed that the population was indeed bull sharks, it was discovered that they were leaping the rapids – like salmon – to get into the lake. Delightful. Go have a nightmare about that.

Well, I finally got tired enough of Blogger to kiss its sorry ass goodbye, and I have moved to a place in the web that is
a) friendlier,
b) prettier, and
c) easier to type into an address bar.

I’m moving to here and you all better dang well update your bookmarks, or else.

Or else what?

OR ELSE YOU’LL FIND OUT WHAT, IS WHAT!!

For an old friend, with love and remorse, and ever ashamed of my blindness:

‘There is no language of destruction for
The use of the chaotic; silence the only
Path for those hysterical and lonely.
That upright beauty cannot banish fear,
Or wishing help the weak to gain the fair
Is reason for it: that the skilled event,
Gaining applause, cannot a death prevent,
Short-circuits impotent who travel far.

And no word can be spoken of which the sense
Does not accuse and contradict at once.
And he gets no assistance from the world
Which will not help his looking into words,
Nor will the lovely, gay as any leaf,
Assuage his anguish.’

- Philip Larkin, ‘There Is No Language’

You know what’s great? The girls in Fellini movies. Oh those insolent arrogant dark-haired vixens with their jiggly bottoms and their ridiculous eyes. I also have a lot of praise for the boys in Fellini movies, especially the guy who played Fausto in the flick I caught yesterday night. Fausto, see, reminds me of an unholy hybrid of Elvis and George Clooney (from ‘Ocean’s Eleven’ more than ‘O Brother, Where Art Thou’). He’s charming, weak, unreliable, fun-loving, and oozes dirty sex whenever he so much as raises an eyebrow. North America is tragically lacking in guys such as this, to whit, the ones you can dance a mambo with in the streets but not bring home to meet your mother.

Guys, guys, really… are you going to let the Italians have all the fun (and the girls) forever? Time to break free of the khakis and sneakers and start seducing up a storm. Go on. You know you want to.