Must’ve been doped up on stupid pills – I responded to a flyer on the CAB Public-Use Notice Board begging for volunteers to consumer-panel some kind of fruit substance at the Sensory Lab in the Nutrition department. Big mistake.

Turns out they’re doing this on behalf of a company called New Era Nutrition or something like that, which is trying to make snack food healthier. “What a laudable goal!” I said as I unwrapped my first FruitSponge (TM) bar.

The name alone should have tipped me off to the horror that was to ensue.

It turned out to be a garish red and sweeter than treacle, but worse than that was the texture – it was, and I wrote this on the evaluation, “like sucking on a piece of cellulose sponge that sucks back.” The next one was supposed to be peach-flavoured, and it tasted like… some kind of Glade air-freshener. When I removed the third bar (“blueberry”) from its thick foil wrapper, I took one look and immediately put it down again. Don’t ask how, but somehow they took a fairly innocent list of ingredients – dried apples, rolled oats, vitamin K – and crafted something that looked exactly like a brick of poop.

I managed one dutiful bite and then poured vitriol all over the evaluation form while attempting to pick slimy pieces of dried apple off the back of my teeth. On Friday I get to try the cold-busting fruit balls, which look like ju-jubes but probably taste like something you’d swirl around in a separation funnel. Oh man. Will update on Friday. Why do I volunteer for these things?!